Looking back over the past year, I've been thinking of what has transpired and how to sum the year up. In many ways 2014 was one of the hardest years for me, emotionally and physically. Since I no longer dissociate on the level I did before and quit using alcohol and drugs and cigarettes to numb my pain, I learned to face life on life's terms. And life is very unfair and very hard. The lessons of 2014 were very hard. I learned how fallible I am. I learned also how resilient I am. I grew up a lot in this last year.
Growing up would be a good way to sum up the year but I would also sum it up by saying it has been a year of understanding the security I have in God. God is so faithful. I've learned that this past year in multiple ways. I kept expecting Him to throw in the towel with me. But He shows me His love, forgiveness and receives me. For me, the experience of having full security has been life changing. I'm more at peace and beginning to accept myself better. God is loving and tender and He believes in me and sees my potential all the time. Usually I'm seeing all my faults. I have come to know God as the loving Father He is. He is faithful, merciful, loving and optimistic.
Last year was exhausting and I stepped into the new year tired, weak and frustrated. I went through a very strange and unusual trial that started in October of 2014 and came to a close in January of 2015. I won't go into details but the trial involved a level of trust in other believers. Honestly, I don't know that the trial has ended. Perhaps it has reached a new level. The painful part of the trial seems over and I'm still sorting out what I've gained from it.
In 2015, the trial does change. Perhaps I should call it an adventure now. I've reconnected to God and Christians in a deeper and more committed way. Now I am taking steps of faith. This year will be different than others. I have no doubt about that. God has given me strength. I know He strengthens me and He is my source. I can't say that I fully understood and knew that before. I can draw from other fountains and get help from other sources but I think I've finally learned that those other places pale in comparison to God. Why would a person drink dirty water when there is pure water right in front of them? I can actually answer that because I've chosen the dirty water many times. But maybe, I've finally decided to face the truth about it all. The dirty water is not better. It's familiar. It's what I was used to. God is the pure source of all things good and needed. It is in my relationship with Him where I am nourished. God completes me. I can see who I am fully when I remain connected to Him as my source.
In this year, I feel I will love myself as I should. God is showing me the importance of this. God gives me purpose. I want to know myself better, minister more effectively and flow more in peace. It is human to seek approval from other people but I seek it in the right ways. This is my goal. I believe I will begin to understand more about what I can do for myself, what God does for me AND what other people do for me that is in a balance of health and brings prosperity.
My hope and prayer is that my light shines brighter than before and that I am able to be the vessel God wants me to be, for His love to flow through. I want to make a difference. I've made a difference, I know. But this year, I think more is to come. I feel a great anticipation and joy about all that is going to happen in this year.
One thing I can say for sure, the dark times of 2014, the pain, confusion and difficulty were worth it.